as far as i know.

how do you know me?

2005-08-02T17:03:00.000-07:00

i just took this color quiz and normally i think all those personality quizzes bologna, but this one is pretty much right on with how i'm feeling now. creepy yet intuitive.

here's what it says:

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.
The situation is preventing her from establishing herself, but she feels she must make the best of things as they are.

Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic. Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence.

interesting because i DO need quiet reassurance, all the time from caleb when i can't do something. and i always like to make the best of things as they are.

Your Actual Problem
The need for esteem--for the chance to play some outstanding part and make a name for herself--has become imperative. She reacts by insisting on being the center of attention, and refuses to play an impersonal or minor role.

is this my actual problem? am i really like this? is this bad?

there was more to the results, but i didn't think it fit my personality truely. humm. something to chew on for sure. one thing i know, i want to go into biochemistry and get the h-hill out of this dead-end job that i'm at right now. and i do really want people to think of me in a postive way and when they hear my name, think, "she's a hard worker; a good employee". but right now, i have no motivation to work hard, so i kind of half-ass things to just get my job done. maybe that is my real problem. i need a job that i care about and enjoy. eventually i'll find one; hopefully.

lemonade and blue skies

2005-07-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

summer always reminds me of my childhood. even though i went to a elementary school that had cycle-breaks (rotating 3 months of school and 1 month off) instead of traditional 3-month summers, i still feel like a kid when summer comes around. i want to scoff all of my responsibities and hang out at the pool or play frisbee in the yard all night.

i guess summer really reminds me of being lazy. just pure and simple laziness. which i could do for hours at a time when i was younger and now, if i'm still for 1/2 a day, i become bored and restless. when i was younger, i can't even remember what i did all day on break. yet now after working all day every day, i long for days of emptness and no responsibilty, but once i recieve them, i find myself looking for productive things to do. why is that? what ever happen to just sitting in a hammock, drinking lemonade in the shade? why can we only do that on vacation with out feeling guilty, like we are being selfish with our time and anti-productive.

i recently read this article that talked about taking mini-vacations at home and saving money. which in theory is a great idea. why not turn your house into a vactaion home and do all the fun things you do on vacation at home, like sleep in till the sun wakes you, make fresh blueberry pancakes for breakfast and go have a cup of tea in the morning sunshine, read away the afternoon curled up in a chair and then bbq outside and enjoy your families company while eating dinner outside. just thinking about all this makes me long for lackadaisical days . but i know, if i tried to take a day like this, something would come up that would disrupt my easy, easy-going lifestyle and make me feel guilty again. but i'd still like to try.

but here's the kicker folks: finding time. if summer is supposed to be 'the lazy months', why does it seem to fill up so quickly? i find i have no time in between being in weddings and planning my own, it seems every weekend we have plans. and this makes me sad. because it is already middle of july, and i feel like all the summer months are already eaten up. and i am going to miss going camping this summer, which is my favorite summer time activity. so i am going to plan right now, a weekend, where we can go camping. i don't care what we have going on, i wanna go (stomps foot). :) because before we know it, summer will be gone, so i'm going to plan it. i deserve a mini-vacation. and you do too. :)

ban complaints

2005-07-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

complaining. why does everyone always complain? do you gain joy from complaining? not usually. it only serves to whet your appetite for self-pity. what do people want to hear when they complain? "oh i'm sorry; i feel so sorry for you," in the form of genuine pity. now granted, i am not a perfect person, i complain with the best of them sometimes. but usually, i've noticed that there is a lot more complaining going around then general happiness. so you have a sucky job/life/wife/whatever. deal! at least you are alive! at least you wake up everyday healthy and ALIVE. people tend to take that simple idea for granted. living. it can be taken away so quickly. people always think themselves invincible; living so rashly and carelessly;

i just wish i could come to work and not hear people complain all the time. it's making me depressed. so your cousin who works as a night-time manager at walmart makes twice as much money as you. big deal. all this greed and jealously. this life is only for a small while anyways, why not enjoy it while you can and be happy? it's not that hard to see the glass half full versus half empty - it's only your state of mind. which is yours to control. so if everything else around you is sh*t, you don't have to be because you can choose to be in a good mood.

2005-07-06T15:04:00.000-07:00

amuse yourself with Flickr: www.metaatem.net/words

Ninety-two.

2005-06-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

that is how many days there are until i'm married.

isn't that wild? it seemed so far away when we first got engaged, but now it's under 100 days. i'm just so excited. marriage is going to kisck some a. i know it won't be perfect, but we'll make it through. i trust that God has chosen caleb for me and that we can work out any problems that may arise by believing and trusting in Him. so i'm not worried in the least!

but should i be worried? am i too naive, too callow? i mean marriage is very serious business. i've had people tell me before that i look through the world with rose colored glasses on too much, but is that a fault? what bad can come of having a positive outlook on life, as long as you are realistic? i see no reason to be pessimistic about marriage, caleb has given me no reason to believe that we won't work out.

when i first got engaged, i didn't want to become one of those bridezillas. those girls that only think about the wedding and their dress and making the flowers perfect. i do want everything to be perfect, but if it's not, life will go on. the important thing is that we are married. everything after that is just icing on the cake (literally and metaphorically). i once heard this great advice about marriage; if you can see yourself married to someone WITHOUT the wedding, you just wake up one day and *Poof* you are married and HAPPY, then you are ready to be wed. If you can forgo the wedding day and just be happy married to the one you love, then you are ready. i think that's really good advice, simple but really good advice.

which is your favorite?

2005-06-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

i've come to the conclusion that every season is my favorite one. I just have such as hard time deciding! I like really spring because mainly because it follows winter, and that means sunshine and warmer weather. cute spring jackets. and blooming flowers and beautiful smells.

I love summer because of vacations at the beach. cute summer clothes and tans. the incredible wall of heat that hits you when you walk outside and the aewsmoe feeling of walking into air conditioning. (one of the reason I love belonging to an intelligent society).

But then I love fall because it follows summer, and just when you think you can't take any more sweltering hot humid days, fall arrives. leaves turning brilliant colors. long weekend drives through the brilliantly colored hills. a slight chill in the air that reminds you of football games and bonfires. and weddings. :)

But I also love winter because of snow. and skiing. sipping hot chocolate after playing out in it. pink cheeks and frosty breath. scarves and hats. bundling up to go somewhere. and snuggeling up with my honey.

but right now, i'm loving summer. i'm so glad it is here! I just wish could move my desk outside and bask in the sunshine all day. I feel robbed because right now is prime outside time and i'm stuck indoors. I feel like a little child forced to stay indoors by the rain. :( well, I got to take a walk with my chocolate lab this morning and soak in some rays, so I guess it's not all so bad!

lucky

2005-05-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

lucky, lucky, lucky me.

i am so happy to have found caleb. i know it sounds sappy, but he just makes me so happy. even just talking to him on the phone makes me smile; ust thinking about him makes me smile. that is why i know we will have a successful marriage. because we do not take each other for granted.

this last year apart has made me especially aware of that. it was hard at times, when we would go 4 weeks without seeing each other and then only get to see each other for 2 days and then he's gone again. but in three weeks, i don't have to do that anymore! (yay!) i get to see him all the time (which i hope we don't get tired of each other then).

i want to keep our relationship fresh and alive, and not get bored with each other. i don't want to be one of those couples who has nothing to talk about when they are alone - blahh. :( and i don't want to become like another couple i know. they see each other for only a few hours at night. they have each their own seperate lives, which don't convene as much as i think they should.

anyway, the point of this rambling is to express my gratitude to caleb and to thank God soooo much that He gave him to me! he's the best gift EVAR!

2005-05-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

the beach at our honeymoon spot. delicous. i can't wait!

bait and switch

2005-05-05T10:28:00.000-07:00

it appears that i am, contrary to popular belief, not dead or missing. just busy, which is good i guess. what have i been doing you ask? let's see.

working a lot, which is good, getting some big ot and earning some money. it's funny; you turn in that timecard with all those hard earned hours logged on there, like a kid handing over a precious penny for a piece of candy, only to get it and realize it a hard piece of crap, nothing worth eating. dern bait and switch! i sit, awaiting the next friday, payday. but then the pay check comes and you once again realize, that you need a better paying job. sigh. i just want to make it to the thousand dollar mark, and can't quite make it. and may i mention that i'm too lazy to work enough overtime to make it there too. i just see it as i put in my time, my 40 hours, with the usual 3 ot a week, and i shouldn't have to put in anymore than that. if they need more than that, then friggin' hire someone else. but we won't even go there right now.

i shouldn't complain, my job is fine, and the pay is mehh for it. the drama gets tiring sometimes, but on the whole, it's not too shabby. (at least that is what i try to tell myself when i'm dreading going to work.)

anyways, to end my complain-fest, here's a question to throw out in the great blue yonder. is it a waste of money to go through four years of college to earn a chemistry degree, at a challenging university mind you, and then work in a field where no chemistry degree is required? the only future i can see before as of now, using my chemistry degree, is to be a lab tech. and i want more than that. i want to be able to help people; to make a difference. i do not want to be a peon anymore! i want to have authority, i want people to listen to me and heed my advice. is this too much, am i asking too much, am i being selfish?

i have been thinking about dipping my toes into the very lucrative waters of fincial advisement. it has NOTHING to do with chemistry and will my parents be mad at me for this? one good thing is, i can do this part-time. so it will not be a drastic career move, just a side-step. i am just not sure. i've been praying about what i should do and no "sign" has come yet, at least not that i've noticed. i guess i should be more attentive...

anyway, on the good side, i have found a wonderful man that has asked me to be his bride and spend the rest of my life with - and i am ecstatic. everytime i hear his voice, it makes me happy. i feel so blessed to have him and thank God everyday. he is my angel; my sweetheart. i am so lucky. so lucky.

granted

2005-02-02T10:05:00.000-08:00

i just recently got engaged (yea! his name is caleb - i'm so excited!). it was in the colorado mountains, while we were ice skating on a frozen lake under the stars (sigh - soo romantic).

so i work in a food flavoring company, in the lab, and use chemicals all time. so i keep my ring in an inside pocket in my lab coat. i forgot to take it with me at the end of the day, so i came in the next day to put it on and my ring was gone! i started freaking out and tearing my desk apart looking for it, but could not and started crying. but all of my coworkers pitched in and we searched the plant and office high and low and it was eventually found 10 hours later! i was so happy! but during that time, i thought it was lost forever and would never be found again, it was like looking for a needle in a haystack!

during this terrible day, caleb called and was initally upset, but then later he said to me," it's only a ring - we are still engaged and we are still going to be married and that is what is important. i love you." awww. isn't love grand?

all of this made me realize all that i take for granted, my fiance, my family, my health, where i am in life, my friends.. i could go on forever. it just made me stop and think that if tomorrow all of the people and things i treasure are gone, what would i do? its scary, and hurts to think of losing all the people i love. so the moral of the story here: dont take things for granted because when they are gone is when you will wish you treated them better and you will not have a second chance. don't wait till tomorrow to tell someone you love them, when you could tell them today for you never know what tomorrow will hold.

and i want to tell the world that i love caleb with all my heart and always will and i am honored he would accept me as his bride.

grateful

2004-12-29T19:31:00.000-08:00

Even though I know none of you will read this, I just wanted to let all of my friends know, some who've i known forever and some just a bit, how thankful I am that I know them. When I sit back and think about it, I am v. much blessed. I have great friends - which are scattered all over america and the world right now and who still drop in a quick note via email when then can, just to say hi. it just makes me happy - so I want to thank you for brightening my day just by sending a quick line or two wishing me a happy holiday. it's not much but it mean much. i am really grateful for you all. thanks :)

your life. your choice.

2004-12-07T09:50:00.000-08:00

I am all for listening to your parents adivce. Hey, my parents have been (mostly) great; wanting me to go as far as I can go in school and get the best education that I can.

But caleb, I don't think you should do what they say, I think you should do whatever you feel like doing. you are the only one that knows completely what you enjoy and what you would want to do with your life. if you decide chemistry is not for you and you want to go to school for italian, i say GO FOR IT! if it will make you happy, then go for it. i don't care about money, we'll be fine. i want you to be happy. that's the most important thing in the world to me.

they might be right, but i say that if you know what you want to do, then go for it. heck, you might change your mind in a month, but that's your perogative. i know i've changed my plans for the future plenty in the past six months. i know we'll be fine in the end and God will lead you wherever is best for you, so i'm not worried about our future. as long as i'm with you and we are together. so go on...your life, your choice.
i love you baby. with all my heart.

hardest thing.

2004-12-01T22:33:00.000-08:00

silence. one of the worst things in the world, this is what i have found out. it seems in silence, all your worst fears rear their ugly head and start mocking you.

in silence, all your insecurities, short-comings and worries come pouring forth from a deep dark place inside of you. you begin to wonder about something you have done or not done. i believe that he loves me with all his heart; i am sure of this, yet why still am i filled with this unease that something is not right? why i do not know.

i wish this unease would leave me alone and in peace. i wish i could be confident enough about myself to believe that this is not about me - in fact it probably has nothing to do with me. yet i still do not know because of silence. the mean awful thing.

sigh. i'm just gonna go to bed and pray that i can sleep in peace.

here i go

2004-11-03T22:33:00.000-08:00

in order to be as quirky and quick-witted as the love of my life, i now have my own blog. and now all of cyberspace will be able to read my everyday thoughts. (kind of a scary idea). so i will begin to share my life with you through the immortal genius of the internet. here i go!